i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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