My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
operation have a gay friend backfired
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
