You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
