mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
How does one acquire holy water?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
