Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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