I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
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