You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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