It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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