I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
