I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
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Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
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Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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