I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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