Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
