A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
