i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
