Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
