I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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