i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
