I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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