Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
