If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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