tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
