from now on my penis is your penis
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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