Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
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We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
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On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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