I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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