Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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