textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Randomize
