I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
