Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
