If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
