WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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