Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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