Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on