woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
