My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
