My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
