Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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