For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
