I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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