How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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