yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
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You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
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She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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