he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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