I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
