Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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