mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
