Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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