she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
