I would go down on you faster than GM stock
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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