he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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