And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
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If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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