So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
