i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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