Your dad touched me again.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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