I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
