Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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