She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i love accidental penises.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She bit a glass in half.
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Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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